Tough Conversation
by connielea
Summary: So what was the Doctor's actual plan re. his death.  River has her suspicions.


**OK, this is the "darker" one I was working on. It's been bugging me since "The Wedding of River Song" so I imagine it's been bugging her too. And yes, I don't own River or the Doctor or Alex or Matt. Sigh. **

Tough Conversation

My Love, I am thrilled that you came up with the Tesselecta plan, and that it went off without a hitch, (well, once we got past the whole 'collapse of time' part that I will admit was mostly my doing.) However, I still have an issue with all of this, and, if you know what's coming, I think you realize that this is going to be a tough conversation for both of us.

Admit it, you were going to let me think that I killed you, and you were going to disappear without ever contacting me or my parents. You were perfectly willing to let me live the rest of my days (and nights) with the knowledge, and the guilt, of having been your assassin. You even made my parents watch.

Oh sure, you would still manage to drop by from time to time to air me out, (or, lets face it, when you wanted some) but I'm sure you would have no trouble convincing me that you were "pre-Lake Silencio" in your timeline. Rule Number 1 and all.

Ultimately, that would have been the safest course, with your secret being protected and the universe remaining intact. No risk of me blabbing to my parents or letting something slip to a guard. No need to share any part of your new life, as it would all be wrapped in lies. You could keep your distance, while still having my utter devotion.

In other words, you were planning to treat me like another 'companion' – keeping me in the dark by lying to me; thereby protecting me. The problem is, that's not who I am; that's not who _we_ are.

I know you think you're unique, that you think you're alone. The Last of Your Kind, the Keeper of the Greatest Secret of All, the One on Whom the Burden is Placed. I'm here to tell you – that's _not_ how it's going to go down. That all changed at Berlin. I am no longer a novelty, or a plaything, or an amusement that you can pick up and put down at will. I am your _partner_, in all senses of the word.

You didn't ask me to give up my regenerations for you, but you didn't _refuse_ me either, not really. You willingly accepted what I gave. You knew what it would cost me, and you knew the consequences. You understood that it would create an unbreakable bond between us. We are of the same energy. You may be much, much better at denying that bond, but you can't pretend to me that it doesn't affect you. I live in agony every day that I am away from you. I know you feel it too, you're just a much greater masochist than I am. You continue to deny yourself true happiness, as if you are not worthy.

I'm here to tell you that _nothing_ could be further from the truth.

I accept that I'm a psychopath; that I'm not normal. My DNA and my development have been tampered with. I'm sorry that it makes me less than perfect. I'm sorry that I have bad judgment, as applied to things like Fixed Points and the Existence of the Universe and such. But don't forget that I was created in Your Image, I am your Bespoke Psychopath; the mirror image of you. I am not without a conscience, I am not without limits, but I am your equal, and I know how much that scares you.

I can help you. I can help you move through your fear. You have to trust me, My Love, and trust that what is on the other side is _so much_ better than what has come before.

Remember my origins; before the tampering. I am of The Girl Who Waited and Rory the Roman.. All roads lead to my conception. All of your actions had a purpose. And my other parent is the one who surrounds us with her love even as we hurtle through time and space. She ensured that I would be made just for you. I am the child of the TARDIS, the one who knows you best of all. She knows your loneliness and your self-sacrifice, and she wants to fix it; she _needs_ to fix it.

So, My Love, you need to accept this. It is a gift for you, and one that you deserve. Stop denying yourself. You can keep everyone else at arm's length, except for me. You can lie to everyone, but not to me. You can abandon your companions to "protect" them, but that won't work for me.

I am _not_ your companion. I am your wife.


End file.
